It’s extremely difficult to think of anyone hurting a child.
But the recent murder of Victoria Stafford has parents talking to their children about predators.

Predators are not always strangers, and a stranger doesn’t always look like the boogey man. With that in mind, it’s easy to see why a child can fall into the trap can be easy to see why a child falls into the trap of being lured away.

“It’s pretty tough in this day and age to talk about,” said Barrie Police Const. John Parliament. “Parents want to be able to give their children freedom to play, but also want to be able to monitor them in a safe manner.”

Knowing what’s happening on the streets around you is important to feel safe in your community, he said, but so is setting limits for your children. Parliament uses a walkie-talkie system for his own children so they can keep in touch while walking to a friend’s house.

“When my son goes to his friends, he checks in with me the whole way there. ‘I’m on the trail, I’m walking on the sidewalk, I’m at my buddy’s.’ It’s kinda cool for them to talk to mom or dad on the walkie-talkie, and their communication distance is incredible these days.”

While on duty recently, Parliament credits a walkie-talkie for preventing a potential crime. He was called to a park after a group of children was being lured away by teenagers. “One of the kids had a walkie-talkie, and their parents were home down the street. The parents came running and chased the teenagers away. I ended up finding them, but if it wasn’t for the walkie-talkie, who knows.”

Once children get a bit older, they can switch to a cellphone, he said.
But children can still be vulnerable, even after being warned about stranger danger. In 2003, officers participated in a test with a local television channel.

One of the officers – dressed in plain clothes and holding a leash – approached specific children in their own driveways and asked them to help look for his dog. Even after being coached beforehand by their parents, the kids still went with the unknown officer.

“It’s very difficult to tell a child, especially a young one, that you can’t believe everything an adult is telling you.”
To them, the adult is the authority figure and is telling the truth, said Parliament.

“If the adult talks to them, the story starts to make sense. The idea is to almost tell the kids to run away before the adult starts talking to them. Go to a safe area – go home, to a store, or another adult.”

Parliament said adults get conned by fraud artists who are good at telling stories.

A stranger should be anyone the child doesn’t already know, regardless of what they look like, said Parliament. And that lesson should begin as soon as children are ready to go to school, or away from a parent’s watchful eye.

While on the subject of strangers, though, it’s also important to talk to your children about being violated by a familiar face, too.

Brenda Weimer is service manager and co-ordinator of the sexual abuse group therapy program at the Children’s Aid Society of Simcoe County. She encourages parents to talk about sexuality and personal boundaries with their children.

“Most sexual abuse cases happen with somebody the child is familiar with,” said Weimer.
A sexual assault can include a wide range of activities, and can be triggered by many different causes, she said.

“I think somewhat people automatically assume a sex offender who abuses has a history of someone abusing them, but it’s not necessarily causal,” said Weimer.
It usually starts with an interest in a particular child, but not necessarily an interest in all children, she said. Stress can act as a trigger for the abuser, along with self-esteem issues and feeling powerless in life. “They may turn to a child to meet those needs.”

An abuser usually starts off by becoming the child’s friend, she said.
“It’s called ‘grooming’, when someone preps a child to be abused in some way. They talk to the child about things they’re interested in, like computer games, or tell them they sympathize with them and know they are angry or dissatisfied with their parents.”

The conversation may be used to make the child feel older or more powerful, and that starts to blend the boundaries of an adult/child relationship.

The offender may try to justify the friendship in their mind, and may even convince other adults the relationship is OK. Drugs or alcohol may also be used to make the abuser or child feel less inhibited.
But the abuse isn’t always something that is forceful, said Weimer. “The child can be influenced into sexual activity, and the adult may threaten the child to keep it a secret.”

Communication is key to keeping children safe, said Weimer. In her home, she asked a variety of questions to make her children think on their feet. “I’d ask them questions like ‘what about if I was late picking you up from school,’ and we’d talk through what they would do.”

Another tip is for parents to work together to keep children safe.
“If you pick your child up at school and your child has a friend whose parents always pick them up, and one day you notice someone different is there – introduce yourself, ask where that parent is today.
“We all have to be the eyes and ears for children.”

The Internet and popularity of cellphones have also made it easier to lure children, and parents should pay close attention to what their child is doing and who they are talking to.