Spaghetti For Breakfast

I have a theory.

I believe that if you own an air conditioner, and it is warm outside, and you are lying in bed, and there is no air circulating around you, and you have a core body temperature that has never co-operated with the natural change of the seasons; then you should be able to turn on your air conditioner for at least for a few minutes without a lecture on how air circulates and settles. Am I right or am I right? OK, I may not be right.

Last year, Gord and I threw caution — and our window air conditioner — to the wind, and bought a new central air unit.

I remember thinking at the time that this was a good decision. With each summer being hotter than the last, it seemed infinitely easier to turn on an air conditioner capable of cooling the entire house, than it was to have my spouse continually explain the merits of spending time in our clutter-filled basement.

“You know it’s at least 15 degrees cooler down the basement. I can clear a spot for you to sit if you like,” he’d offer.

“I know it’s cooler and I appreciate the effort, but I don’t want to spend my summer wedged between the freezer and a box of photos marked “Rocky Mountains - 1976” while clutching a can of Spider-be-Gone.”

Yes, the arrival of central air was a blessing.

However now that it’s April and summer has returned (as it is apparently won’t to do in the spring), I have been reminded of one of the key problems we encountered with our new air conditioner.

Gord doesn’t want to turn it on.

I don’t mean ever. He was perfectly happy to turn it on last summer when it was 40  C outside and the trees were liquifying. But unless the grass is spontaneously combusting from the heat, he’s more of a “let’s open the window and allow a cool breeze in” kind of person.

This, of course, is a good attitude to have in our environmentally-conscious society, but one that can be problematic if you and your spouse have differing definitions of the words ‘cool breeze’.

I define a cool breeze as an immediate, discernable wafting of cool air into the room that cools you immediately and could quite possibly require the wearing of a light sweater.

Gord’s definition is a little more loose. If he opens a window and the room cools down by morning - he’s alright with it.

The weather this past week gave us a renewed opportunity to debate the question.

“Gord I can’t sleep. We need to turn on the A/C.”

“It’s only April. No one needs air conditioning in April. Let’s just open a window and let in a breeze.”

 “But there is no breeze. There is just cool air sitting outside our window taunting us by not coming in.”

 “Give it a minute. Lie still. The cool air will eventually come into the room and push the warm air out.”

 “I believe you. But eventually is not a word that works well for me when I’m hot and being mocked by air. I’ll be back in a minute.”

As I left the room I could hear him call after me:

 “But it’s April! As in it’s not summer! You don’t need turn on the A/C! It’ll be cold by morning!”

I stopped on the stairs and debated his words. He was right. April was a little early to be turning on the air conditioner. But I was right in knowing that my body temperature was approaching my age. I had to do something.

I heard him call down to me again: “Did you turn the A/C on?”

“No!” I called back. “But I need to know where you put the can of Spider-be-Gone!”