I need a nap.  Naps are not something that I attempt very often. Not because I don’t enjoy sleep - I do. And not because I don’t require extra sleep - I really do. (This being evident from the fact that I just typed ‘nup’ instead of ‘nap’ and not only didn’t notice it until the spell check told me, but was puzzled as to what the problem was.)

Naps are a luxury. They require much forethought and planning. The idea of simply plopping down on the couch and falling asleep is inconceivable to me.

First of all, a nap is an impossibility if there are children in the house. All children are born with a touch of Jolly Old Saint Nick in them - they know when you are sleeping and they know when you’re awake. And they couldn’t care less which it is if they need a green marker and can’t find one.

A nap necessitated by illness is treated no differently. Gord was lying down one afternoon last week and our beloved five-year-old marched into the room, jumped on top of him and tried to pry open his eyes. “Mom said you were taking a nap. Are you done yet?”

You might think an absence of children solves the nap problem, but that’s not the case. There are only two events that cause the absence of our three children - school or a special occasion.

A school day encompasses six hours. This would be more than enough time for a nap if it weren’t for the 10 hours worth of things that always need to be accomplished while the kids are out of the house. The closest I’ve come to napping while the kids are at school was when I once nodded off waiting on hold for the next available operator to come on the phone and explain what was wrong with my income tax software. Fortunately I was awakened seconds later by a remarkably loud Muzak version of Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’.

This leaves special occasions such as the rare weekend away with my husband.

Naps should be bountiful when you have time to yourself should they not? However this does not take into account two other enemies of the nap - time management and hair.

If Gord and I are away for a weekend it’s usually because we have special plans or an event to attend. And unless hell has frozen over, we’re running embarrassingly late. The lack of a nap in that scenario speaks for itself.

How does hair relate to my inability to sleep during the day?

Let me paint a picture. It is three o’clock on a Sunday afternoon. For the sake of argument we’ll say that all three children have evaporated. I have one hour before I need to make a quick trip to the grocery store and start dinner.

I lie down and close my eyes. I wake up 45 minutes later, refreshed and ready to head out.

No.

I wake up 45 minutes later, groggy and with a head of hair that looks like my daughter ran it through her Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop.

No nap is worth bed head that bad.

Not even in my dreams.